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Ask Doreen - Relationship Advice for those who are into, or considering Married Dating.
We will try to sort through emails we've received in the past and present so we can give you the very best advice to these difficult questions. Some of the topics that will be discussed here may be painful for you to hear, but are important for you to be aware of. We will try to offer as much as we can in the way of tips and advice for our readers.
October 23, 2010
Dear Doreen,
I don’t know if any of this helps you, but I am 35 and my husband is 27, we are married 5 years. After we were married a few years I started to get very depressed. It was a combination of things and I’m not going to pretend it was all my husband’s fault. He’s actually a good guy and I really enjoy his company. But he is a lot younger than I am. I actually thought this would balance things out because I always had such a high sexual appetite but it hasn’t worked out that way. He’s a musician and works long hours and I get lonely. He goes on tour, he practices with his band, he writes music, he records. He gives so much to his music that we just don’t have enough sex. It’s like he doesn’t make the time. I think he’d rather be playing then having sex. When we have sex it’s fine, but it’s just not enough for me. That’s why I made the decision to try out a married dating site. I felt so weird about doing it but I’ve been feeling neglected and depressed for too long now. After only 3 dates my whole mood turned around. I started feeling so much better. I made the decision to go back to work on a project I had abandoned years ago. I just feel so much better. My question to you is, do you think this signifies the end of my marriage? Do you think I should get divorced?
Alexa
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Dear Alexa,
Honestly dear one doesn’t have to do with the other. The fact that you’re enjoying your married dating, doesn’t mean you should get divorced. Actually it sounds like your dating is something you are doing for your marriage, not against it. Yeah, that sounds a little twisted, but let me explain. People have many needs and complexities. It is fairly unrealistic to expect one person to fulfill all your needs. I happen to think that you and you alone are responsible to make your own happiness. You can’t depend on anyone else to do it for you. I’m drawing in a few conclusions here. You intimated that you had abandoned work, or projects. You said you get lonely because your husband puts long hours into his music (i.e.: his happiness.) It sounds to me, Alexa, like you let go of your life when you married this guy, and expected him to become your life. That of course, did not happen. That was an unfair and unrealistic expectation. He continues to be himself. And now you are beginning on your journey of being Yourself.
I think it’s great that you’re dating and enjoying it. The fact that already you’ve felt inspired to pick up a project you had abandoned shows that you are reclaiming You. You are getting back to being yourself and creating a life you enjoy.
It’s hard these days to say who should get divorced. Nothing you’re saying here makes me think it’s something you need to be thinking about. You said your husband is a good guy, and you enjoy his company. That’s great. This to me sounds like a case of you having lost yourself, and I believe if you can just secure yourself again, your marriage will probably be just fine. Have your projects, your sex, have your dates, do things that you want to do that don’t leave you feeling lonely and waiting on someone else to come home and entertain you. See how this feels for a while. You may just find that finding your own happiness and satisfaction will make you a healthier partner, and that you and your husband renew your relationship.
Good luck,
DoreenIf you have a question you would like to see answered here, email your question to doreen@marrieddatingguide.com
We can not guarantee all questions will be published.
Doreen Gray is a relationship expert and is the article editor here at Married Dating Guide. She has been writing advice articles as a ghost writer in various publications for the last 15 years. |
