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Ask Doreen - Relationship Advice for those who are into, or considering Married Dating.
We will try to sort through emails we've received in the past and present so we can give you the very best advice to these difficult questions. Some of the topics that will be discussed here may be painful for you to hear, but are important for you to be aware of. We will try to offer as much as we can in the way of tips and advice for our readers.
February 4, 2011
Dear Doreen,
I found someone online that makes me burn inside.
I've never felt so alive and happy, as I have since I met her.
But she is tied to another and I don't want to put her in a situation that would cause her pain.
She says we can be friends, and I am grateful for that, but the fire in me is burning out of control.
What do I do?
Signed, me.
___________________________________________________________________________
Dear “me,”
Fire burns out.
Anything that burns that fiercely has to burn itself out. Normally it will run its course and then cease to be.
If she is saying you can be friends, if she is putting that out there, it sounds as if this is out of your control. It’s nice that you don’t want to put her in a situation that would cause her pain. So don’t. If she has ended things with you, let it go.
I find very very few people that burn for someone and do the “right” thing. Most people are not that selfless. Most people do what serves them. This lends me to apply the logic to the both of you. If she has stopped what’s going on and is telling you that you two can only be friends, she is most likely serving herself. Either her side of the flame between you has burned out, or she has started up with someone else. Don’t be surprised. If she went outside of the boundaries of whomever she is tied to for you, you can bet she will go outside of the boundaries of that person and you, for someone new. She has shown through example that she does that.
Maybe she hasn’t completely burned out on you, and maybe there isn’t someone new. Maybe the person she’s tied to is in her life for a while for a good reason. Maybe even though she wanders or even though she enjoyed the cyber with you, she really is bound to this person for real reasons. Maybe it’s love. Maybe it’s children. Maybe it’s money. I have no idea. But there’s a reason you were the secret and this other person is the one she protected.
Since she’s already let go of the situation between the two of you, you should do the same. Chasing after someone that isn’t chasing after you makes you look unattractive. You lose the footing you once had, you lose the status you once were. Being available to someone who isn’t seeking your availability will begin to look pathetic. If I’m right and she’s ended this and said “Let’s be friends,” than any further effort you put into it other than friends, is a very bad reflection on you and will only reinforce for her that she made the right choice. All you can do now is ruin the memory and show her that you need to pushed further away.
As for your feelings, enjoy them. Burning is fantastic. Channel it into yourself, or a project, or a new conquest. Put it into a person in your life that you fall back on…. one of those relationships that’s solid and good, and cool. Rest assured your burning will in fact burn away. It will pass. Take it a day at a time. I can promise you a year from now if you write me again, you will not be burning for her. You may even feel embarrassed that you felt so immediate with this.
That’s my advice, dear. Do nothing. Let this go. She has.Good luck sweetie,
DoreenIf you have a question you would like to see answered here, email your question to doreen@marrieddatingguide.com
We can not guarantee all questions will be published.
Doreen Gray is a relationship expert and is the article editor here at Married Dating Guide. She has been writing advice articles as a ghost writer in various publications for the last 15 years. |
