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Ask Doreen - Relationship Advice for those who are into, or considering Married Dating.
We will try to sort through emails we've received in the past and present so we can give you the very best advice to these difficult questions. Some of the topics that will be discussed here may be painful for you to hear, but are important for you to be aware of. We will try to offer as much as we can in the way of tips and advice for our readers.
February 1, 2011
Dear Doreen,
I’ve read some of your advice ideas on the site here and I don’t know if this really works but I am writing in with my problem hoping to get some advice from you too. So here it goes. I am married to a great woman but we are having money problems. For one thing my wife will go into my wallet and take money whenever she wants it. I feel like she should have to ask first but she says its half hers anyway. Her paycheck is direct deposit so she doesn’t always have cash. She thinks I’m her personal ATM machine. We earn about the same so it’s not that. Also she will go into my paypal account and transfer money or use it to pay for something on Ebay. Again I think she should ask first. She says whats the big deal and it’s half hers. Is it me? It is true that the account her check is deposited into pays our mortgage and big bills. Some are even automatically deducted. So she makes the excuse that she doesn’t want to go into that account in case a bill is due. But I think this money problem is a big deal and I don’t like it. What should I do?
Derek
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Dear Dereck,
The first problem you have is not knowing what problem you have. Your problem isn’t actually a money problem, it’s a privacy problem. It’s also a partnership issue.
There’s you, there’s her, and there’s your marriage. The three of you are separate entities and should remain so. There is nothing wrong with the two of you maintaining some individuality. You’re allowed to have some privacy. There’s nothing wrong with that. She needs to learn how to respect the personal boundaries you have regarding privacy and personal space.
At the same time, you really need to learn how to be a partner, especially a financial partner. Derek my dear, do you have any idea how many people write to me who would kill to have a wife that earns about the same amount as they do, and lets that paycheck get directly deposited into the mortgage and monthly expenses account? It sounds like your wife is a real team player, pulling her share and taking her responsibilities seriously. You didn’t say so but I’m going to draw from your email that you are the bill payer and financial arranger of the household. For her to say she’s not going to the ATM to withdraw money because she doesn’t know how much is left over in the account after important bills are paid is fan-freaking-tastic! Thank your lucky stars and buy that lady some flowers. That is uber-responsible and very respectful.
We all need cash in our pockets. Coffee, tolls, tips, a newspaper. You need to figure out a way for her to have the cash she needs, wants, and deserves. If you’re controlling the accounts, fine. Take a set amount out every week from whatever account/place you take/get your cash from, and split it with her. If you’re cashing your check and hanging on to a couple hundred in your wallet cash, then give her a hundred out of that so you each have the same amount.
Or pick a spot in the house to stash some cash. A desk drawer, a coffee can, whatever it is, get into the habit of popping some 20’s in there every single pay day and tell her to help herself to that. If she needs more just let you know.
You have a right to your privacy. Your wallet is one of those places. You should be able to have some places that are just yours. Your desk, your computer, your email, your wallet. Whatever you choose within reason. You can’t call the entire living room and kitchen “yours” ya know. Once someone becomes a partner they don’t have to surrender being them. Privacy doesn’t mean secret, and it doesn’t mean you’re up to anything. It simply means private. All people need some sense of self. Having some privacy is a healthy and normal part of that.
Does she have that? Do you go into her purse or her make up drawer or jewelry box or computer? Is there any place where she knows for sure she’s got her privacy?
It doesn’t actually feel to me like your wife has a snooping problem. You’re not discussing a violation with intent here. It sounds more like she’s just going about life, and the way she feels she should be doing it happens to be crossing lines for you. If you give her alternatives, she may make different choices. If you make sure she has cash as you do, or a place in the home where she can get cash, she will most likely stop going into your wallet to retrieve money. The same goes for the Paypal account. If you set her up one of her own, she will probably just use that one. I don’t know what you meant when you said she goes into yours and transfers money. But if it’s just to be able to access funds for online shopping or gaming or something, then again it’s just a matter of convenience. Make another option convenient, and your problem goes away.
You asked, “Is it me?” It’s not you. You have a right to your privacy. But it’s not “her” either. She’s contributing and being very responsible. She has a right to some cash and some paypal or credit card account, too.Good luck,
DoreenIf you have a question you would like to see answered here, email your question to doreen@marrieddatingguide.com
We can not guarantee all questions will be published.
Doreen Gray is a relationship expert and is the article editor here at Married Dating Guide. She has been writing advice articles as a ghost writer in various publications for the last 15 years. |
