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Ask Doreen - Relationship Advice for those who are into, or considering Married Dating.
We will try to sort through emails we've received in the past and present so we can give you the very best advice to these difficult questions. Some of the topics that will be discussed here may be painful for you to hear, but are important for you to be aware of. We will try to offer as much as we can in the way of tips and advice for our readers.
July 15, 2011
Dear Doreen,
You know The List? Like Rachel and Ross from Friends? My wife and I did those lists many years ago. We each picked 5 famous people we would sleep with if we had the chance and that’s supposed to be a freebee. We’ve talked about our lists and made jokes and we’ve updated them over the years. It seems out of no where there’s suddenly a big problem with her and these stupid lists. She grills me out of nowhere how I’m just waiting to cheat on her, and would I really have sex with someone on my list. It’s created this stress between us all the time. I just don’t get it.
Not David
___________________________________________________________________________
Dear Not David,
There could be a few different things going on here. Let me talk through a few.
You said The List was something you guys did together and joked about, it was something that was Okay for years, and now suddenly it’s a big issue. I have to wonder if that’s actually the truth. I’m sure you believe it is, but I wonder if that’s really what was going on.
Take sports for example. You’re dating a girl, you watch all the Knick Games, she’s trying to land you so she sits through the games, maybe she cheers a little, she doesn’t mind going to a sports bar with you. Eventually you get married, and “all of a sudden” she doesn’t want to watch the games with you anymore. She even complains when you want to watch them. The truth is she always hated the games, you just weren’t really paying attention. She was pretending, and you were falling for it. That’s all.
One possibility here is that The List was never alright with her. Maybe she went along with it to appease you. Or maybe she thought it was silly and if she humored you with it and enjoyed it for a while with you, it would pass. Maybe she hit her breaking point with it and that’s why it’s a great big deal now.
If this is the situation, The List could be just one example of a bunch of things she’s poorly communicated about, wanted you figure out, and now she’s upset because of very broad stroke reasons like you don’t know her, you don’t respect her, you don’t pay attention to her. Women can be very good at escalating a single issue into a mountain of issues that become a volcano and blow.
Another possibility is that The List is the scapegoat for something that’s actually gone on. You said she’s asked you if you would actually sleep with anyone on your List, and she’s said you’re just waiting to cheat on her.
Are you? Have you? Has she? Being angry about The List could be her way of being angry or scared regarding an affair one of you is having. Or had, or thinks about having. There may be a specific and real cause to this underlying hostility surrounding The List. If you’ve cheated, there’s a good chance she knows and this is her way of telling you. If she’s cheated, this may be her way of cycling through the guilt. The anger could be at herself for cheating, or at you for not knowing.
There is another possibility, and that’s jealousy. I don’t know what you or your wife look like what changes either of your bodies have gone through over your marriage, but her lashing out over The List could be reflective of feelings of insecurity. Maybe she’s gained weight, or she’s aged, or for whatever reason she just doesn’t feel physically or sexually secure any more. The women on Your List represent women you desire. She could be jealous of them. She could feel like you don’t desire her anymore.
Feeling like your partner is no longer attracted to you is a difficult blow. It makes you feel inadequate, paranoid, jealous, stressed.
There’s a compliment to you in that scenario. If she’s expressing concern over if you would really sleep with these women on The List, then in a way she’s sort of believing that it is possible that you could. Maybe not in the most reality-based logic. But in a general sense. In a way she’s saying that The List bothers her because it isn’t so far fetched. She’s saying, she thinks you’re that attractive that maybe you could actually get with Jennifer Aniston or Alyssa Milano if you had the opportunity. Instead of rolling your eyes at how illogical that is, try to appreciate and enjoy how attractive your wife finds you.
The thing is, whatever is going on, it’s not about The List. And until you remove The List from the equation, you’re not really going to get past this point. So eliminate The List. Tell her, no more Lists. You’ve been thinking about it, and it’s just silly and it was a joke, and you would never have slept with anyone on it. And here’s the most important part. Tell her, you would like for her to rip up her List too. It says you find her attractive, and you think she could land anyone she wants.
Hopefully once you’ve eliminated The List you can get to the root of what’s really going on. If there is an infidelity under foot, it may surface, it may hide in another scapegoat, it may dissipate. Life happens, this is part of reality.
Good Luck with this, Doreen
If you have a question you would like to see answered here, email your question to doreen@marrieddatingguide.com
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Doreen Gray is a relationship expert and is the article editor here at Married Dating Guide. She has been writing advice articles as a ghost writer in various publications for the last 15 years. |
