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Ask Doreen - Relationship Advice for those who are into, or considering Married Dating.
We will try to sort through emails we've received in the past and present so we can give you the very best advice to these difficult questions. Some of the topics that will be discussed here may be painful for you to hear, but are important for you to be aware of. We will try to offer as much as we can in the way of tips and advice for our readers.
February 12, 2011
Dear Doreen,
I’m having real trouble in marriage. My husband and I have been married for 4 years. I don’t know what went wrong, but it just feels like we fight all the time now. He picks and starts fights and then reacts with surprise when I fight back. When I’ve tried to talk to him about this he acts like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. He is obviously unhappy but I don’t know why. I don’t know what changed. I realize this sounds so very vague but I really don’t know how to make something clear that isn’t clear to me.
Like everybody else we know we have money issues, but they aren’t horrendous. I have always worked only part time and have kept the home and family. He has always worked long hours and doesn’t do anything around the house. That was always the agreement and I feel like it still works. I don’t know how he feels about it though. Sometimes I think he resents me for not bringing in more money.
Sex is becoming a once every other week thing. I want it more than a couple of times a month but I feel like there’s resentment or something and I don’t know why. Partly that could be because his father has been staying with us a lot. He’s older and can’t care for himself so my husband and his brothers have been taking turns having him. I don’t mind caring for him when he’s here, but driving him around to his doctors and making his special meals and doing things for him takes up a lot of time and I do feel more exhausted because of it.
I think my husband has a lot of work stress but he isn’t talking about it. I ask but he says he doesn’t want to have to think about it and would rather just not. I think he believed his career would be further along at this point than it is. I also think he the economy affected things in ways he hadn’t anticipated. We are raising kids and keeping everything together, but I just feel his unhappiness. He doesn’t want to come home, I can just feel it and I don’t know what to do. Is this the end of my marriage? Do you have any advice? Thank you.
Sad Wife___________________________________________________________________________
Dear Sad Wife,
I think you uncovered the core of the issue in your description without realizing it. Your husband’s father can’t care for himself anymore. What a very harsh mortal blow that is. Men especially take that in a way that says life is short, death is looming. This alone is enough to toss many men into a real tailspin.
Compound that realization and his seeming inability to communicate about it, with a troubled economy, a struggling business and money issues and you’ve got a real mess. All those money issues point to one thing: Responsibility. He feels trapped. Maybe he did agree to the living arrangement, maybe he did think he could take on whatever agreements he’s made in life with work and you and children and his family. But right now he’s looking at it all with new eyes. He feels trapped.
It’s no surprise his libido is suffering. He doesn’t feel like a “man” in many ways, and that feeling diminishes his desire to have sex.
Your words sound as if you feel you haven’t changed but that you feel his attitude has. That may be true. But it’s still you’re responsibility as a partner to change with him. Just like in child rearing. You had a set of rules for a 3 year old. Suddenly the kid is 5 and the rules don’t work anymore. You can’t sit there and say well they worked fine before and we agreed to this. You have to change with the situation and the child, and adapt new rules. Since your husband is not King of Communication, you’re going to have to figure this out and implement the changes on your own.
I don’t want to scare you, but I want to confirm for you that what you’re picking up really is as big of a deal as you fear. This could in fact be the end of the marriage for him, so you need to act on this.
I do have advice for you with that. Number one is to address his feelings of being trapped. The whole father-aging thing is much bigger than you’re realizing. Keep that fact at center, and try to build out from there with consideration and patience.
Your husband needs to feel like he’s a great provider, a sex god, a good father and a real man. He needs to feel like things in his life are up to him, like they are choices. He doesn’t want to feel trapped, or inadequate in any way.
Start with positive reinforcement. Just stay positive. Don’t mention a bill you can’t pay or a high credit card. Instead make it a point to smile and say how much better you guys are doing the Jones’s or the neighbors. Thank him for working so hard and providing so much and being so stable. Let him be your hero. Bat your eyelashes a little bit and tell him how much you think of all his hard work. Don’t add to the stress, concentrate on relieving it.
If he asks how his dad did today, smile and point out the good things, whatever they are. “It’s amazing to me how sharp minded he is. He figured out the remote control that I still can’t use, in like 2 minutes.” He doesn’t really need to hear that his father didn’t make it to the bathroom, or that he can’t walk too well. He knows these things, believe me. He isn’t missing any of them. So concentrate on the good things. Say things like, “What a life he lead! He was telling me today about the navy/his work/the house he built…” Celebrate his life and his accomplishments. Concentrate on that.
Flirt. Sounds silly? It’s not. Men love to feel wanted and sexual. Don’t pout if he’s too tired or preoccupied to have sex, but put it out there. Take the time to get cute. You would not even believe the difference this makes. Don’t stay in your sweats, don’t skip the make up or the curling iron. Take that 30 minutes a day for yourself, and make yourself pretty like you did when you guys were dating.
I know what I’m talking about. Make him feel like an attractive man, make him remember desire and sexual pleasure. If he really is in a place where as you say, he doesn’t want to come home anymore, you have got to change that, or he one day, he won’t be coming home anymore. Believe me.
Cook what he likes, not what’s good for him or what the kids like. Let him have the control of the TV. Just cater to him for a while.
Give this overall change a couple of weeks. Lots of positive reinforcement. Lots of celebration and gratitude for all he’s done and all his father is. Lots of smiles and flirts and sexiness, lots of high heels and eye liner and private time without the kids or troubles or anything. Make this your priority. Make your home a place he wants to be, where he feels like a god, where everything is good, and he’s appreciated. Just do it.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Good luck to you.
Good luck,
DoreenIf you have a question you would like to see answered here, email your question to doreen@marrieddatingguide.com
We can not guarantee all questions will be published.
Doreen Gray is a relationship expert and is the article editor here at Married Dating Guide. She has been writing advice articles as a ghost writer in various publications for the last 15 years. |
